Divine Power
“Ok Divine, you are going to have to help me here because this is scary, and I have no idea what direction to go.”
Little did I realize how potent this soulful prayer would turn out to be…
Tuesday March 13, 2018, is forever etched in my body, soul, and mind. It was the day I realized that my inner sceptic and chronic indecision were no match for the Divine Power so beyond me. Before the serendipitous events of this transformative day, a series of scenarios had already unfolded, laying the groundwork for what would become a pivotal moment in my journey toward feminine reclamation. But first, let me take you back a few months, to when my transformation began. . .
How It Started
I’d spent 2 years with my beautiful mentor, Alex, with whom I’d bravely been unpacking my sexual trauma suitcase. It was while sitting in her office at the end of a session that I received a message - one that she channeled specifically for me.
“Pam,” she said, “I think it’s time for you to rebirth yourself sexually.”
I looked at her with bewilderment and said, “Alex, what the fuck does that look like?”
A twinkle in her eye, Alex responded with, “Oh Pam, you will know.”
Shortly after leaving the office, I addressed what I’d come to regard as the Divine Power, saying out loud - praying if you will, “Ok Divine, you are going to have to help me here because this is scary, and I have no idea what direction to go.” Little did I realize how potent this soulful prayer would turn out to be…
A few days later…
I got an email blast from the School of Womanly Arts, promoting a Mastery program in NYC. This program seemed to whisper to me, tugging at my heart. I’d been receiving emails from this group after “liking” their Facebook page months prior but had been deleting them. However, this particular email title caught my eye:
“Why we choose bad boys.”
Laughing, I began to read and quickly realized that I absolutely related to the sender’s message. Then I read this line, “If these have been your experiences you may be interested in reading my book, Pussy A Reclamation.” I had to find this book by Regena Thomashauer.
Despite my lack of tech savviness, my determination led me to purchase the audiobook through my husband’s Audible account. Later, I was awash in apprehension as I awkwardly told him about this controversial book I’d downloaded. He laughed, but not because of the title itself, rather he was amused at the fact that I had said the word “pussy.” But I was intrigued.
Admittedly, I had my doubts (see Story Seed about doubt) about the book and Thomashauer’s reclamation process. However, my doubts were extinguished when, after implementing only a few of the practices from the book (as silly as they sounded), a number of powerfully positive things began to transpire:
The First Occurrence
Just days after starting these practices, I surprised myself and my husband when I spoke up with amazing clarity, diplomacy and fervor at the end of a long, arduous assessment for my disabled son. My husband was blown away by the amicable responses that came from the school personnel.
The Second Occurrence
Next, my acupuncturist, opened our session with an observation that I looked different. What was I doing differently? Though hesitant, I told her about the book, my thoughts and apprehensions around perhaps attending Mastery at the School of Womanly Arts in NYC & the positive occurrences of the past few days, despite my skepticism.
Soon after, I found myself sharing my surprising experiences in a session with Alex, including the book AND that I was considering a Mastery program at the School of Womanly Arts, she suggested that I do just that- attend the Mastery program. With resistance in my voice, I told her I would think about it. She loved me in her wise, special way giving me space to marinate on my choices.
More research was required before making a decision, so I scheduled an exploratory call with a loving member of the School of Womanly Arts to gather more information. She heard my hope and fear in this bold statement, “I am going to come to this great event in NYC with lots of fabulous women and then return to my good-ol’-boy network town feeling more isolated without regular connection.”
I shared that my hope was to discover a group of women with whom I could connect, but I struggled to discuss the high cost of this program with my husband when it had been a year of hemorrhaging money to provide respite care for my disabled son.
While the call ended with plenty of positive feedback, I actually felt more doubt and indecisive turmoil, not yet able to commit to the program. (See the Story Seed on doubt). I prayed to the Divine asking for guidance and jokingly talked to my Pussy a few times before finally starting the conversation with my husband. The exchange with him was difficult and he expressed his angst around the finances and negotiating my son’s care. It appeared that my partner would not be on board if I made the choice to attend Mastery in NYC.
The Third Occurrence
Strangely, the next day I receive a text from my husband kindly letting me know he had transferred money to my credit card for the program tuition. He realized, he always tells me it’s our money, but he had not made it available to me should I decide to register for the program. Stunned with his change of heart, I scratched my head and wondered: what is happening here.
Tuesday March 13, 2018- A Fateful Day Unfolds
Heading into Baltimore for a handful of appointments and still undecided about Mastery due to the financial strain on my husband, sole provider for the family, I asked the Divine to, “please direct me because I don’t know what to decide to do with all this.”
The Fourth Occurrence
While leaving the first appointment, I notice an article authored by Christiane Northrup, MD who I recognized as the woman who wrote the forward to the Pussy book, and it dawns on me this is perhaps a wink from the Universe.
The Fifth Occurrence
Early for the second appointment with my beloved acupuncturist, I begin checking email and stumble across this line:
“When faced with indecision, talk with a self-satisfied, turned-on woman. Find a woman who is alive, who is bright-eyed. Find a woman who is lit-up and talk it through with her. You can hear your own desires better in conversation with a woman who knows hers. It’s brilliant how this works.” As soon as I read this part I knew, Erin my acupuncturist, was that woman.
She greeted me for my appointment in her warm, vibrant, compassionate way and said, “What’s up?”
I divulged my ongoing inner battle around committing to the Mastery program at the School of Womanly Arts because of the added expenses of hotel, travel, childcare and, of course - my own big fear. I explained that I was reasoning this out with her- a self-satisfied, lit-up woman like my email had suggested and Erin listened was listening holding impeccable eye-contact, tears rolling down her cheeks.
The Sixth Occurrence
Erin spoke. “I can’t believe this. I’ve needed to tell you that my friend and I are going to the Mastery program because you told us about the book and your inspiring occurrences, and knowing you want to go, you must come with us all expenses paid. We are staying in my sister’s apartment, taking one car.” In that moment I was completely blown away in a euphoria no drug or alcohol could create. I knew what they meant in AA when they said you will be rocketed to the 4th Dimension. It had just happened to me.
The Seventh Occurrence: After registering for Mastery, I received the program itinerary and agenda and found one of the guest teachers to be Sheila Kelley, creator of S Factor, a feminine movement form including pole dancing. For years I carried shame around being a pole-dancer and stripping for a living during my addiction, and here was something to feel and experience from the past in a new light of shameless beauty.
And so began my sexual rebirth and it has since expanded into a juicy intimacy beyond my wildest dreams!
